Resetting the Clock

The vet's office called yesterday to tell me that the pug's ashes are available for pick up. I opted to have him cremated. There was an option to have them spread his ashes, but not quite understanding I chose to have him returned to me.

Why?

I am not the type of person who believes in markers and God Forbid you suggest I keep someone around in an urn. I just wanted to be sure he wasn't thrown in a landfill. So I call a friend to drive me so I could get the pug's remains and say my goodbye to the staff who I saw nearly 2-4 times a month. I barely managed to say 10 words. I started crying pretty much as I entered the door. My two favorites were behind the desk. Frankly, they looked only a couple of notches better than I. They both expressed their shock that things went so quickly. They had no idea he was getting that bad. God, did I make a rash decision? Would he have bounced back? Sobbing, my friend and I leave.

In the car I check in the bag. There is a white box with the pug's name on it and an envelope. Crying I open the envelope. There is a certificate of cremation and some brochure on urns and resting places. A picture of a small boy kneeling on the side of the bed with a dog at his side highlights the brochure. I smash it all together and shove it back in the envelope. I don't have any desire to see any of it.

"This is all I have left of my boy." I sob at my friend. He grimaces, and nods in understanding as he drives me home.

The ashes now sit in a closet in my office. I think and think - what do I want to do with them? Where were his favorite places? He so loved going for walks. Granted the last ones were rides in his walker, but he did love them.

This morning it's raining. I've been up for hours, but I just put on the coffee. I'm sitting outside on my patio drinking my first cup and writing. It's warmer than is really comfortable, but there is something about the rain that is comforting. Perhaps because it so perfectly showcases my mood. Tonight I'm supposed to go watch my niece and nephew perform with their high school band. If this keeps up I wonder if the show will go on.

I sit, drink my coffee and try to figure out what to do with myself. I wish I had a reset button. One I could just press and reset my internal clock. This would stop me from feeling like I'm forgetting or should be doing something. I don't have to feed or walk the dog, but that doesn't stop me from feeling like I should be. After 14 years, it was routine.

What will I do with his ashes?