Breaking My Record

Today was an incredibly beautiful day. Cool temperatures, low humidity, and crystal blue skies. Unfortunately, I spent the entire day working on a report. I did sit out on the front porch for a few hours working on the computer. Then I picked up and came inside. As I gathered all of my electronics I placed them on the chair just inside my door. I went to get something in the kitchen then returned to close the front door. Before I got there I made my mistake.

I looked at the spot of floor directly in front of the door. That's where I would put his bed on days like today. I would leave the door open and let him sit and watch as the world went by. Often he would bark a greeting as people and animals went by. Most of the time he just sat and watched.

I haven't really cried in a few days. I was rather proud of my achievement. I assure you that record was shot the moment I remembered him sitting in the doorway. All day I've wept on and off. My heart hurts so much I can't believe it's been weeks since he's been gone. The pain suddenly feels mere hours old.

Like some junky seeking a fix I search the internet and Craig's List for available dogs. I donated $50 to pug rescue. I find the saddest case scenarios and have to force myself not to contact them about adoption. Today's near miss was a pit bull used as "bait" for a fighting ring.

But the truth is I just want the pug. Nothing else is really going to cure my aching heart. I curse myself for making my decision so quickly. Though my head tells me I was right, my heart screams I was too hasty. And now I pay for that decision daily. I hate this, living without my boy. Please someone, tell me my heart is going to heal. Frankly, I just don't see it.