For Sarah

I had to speak with Officer Friendly today. Not respond to him, but rather seek him out and start the conversation. On the fun meter it was somewhere between having the dental hygienist clean your teeth and waiting in line at the grocery store behind someone with a load of coupons for everything but what's in their basket.

The pug has invited some rather unsavory friends into our home. A few days ago I saw a small tick crawling on my bathroom floor. I've NEVER seen such a thing in all my years of dog owning. I passed it as a fluke, but the next day when I found another on my hassock, I knew it was time to seriously investigate. I turned the pug over and began the search. I didn't have to look long, he had a dozen or so on him. I took him out, cleaned him off and then spent a small fortune at the store buying new dog beds and insect sprays. The next morning bright and early I delivered him to the vet for a nice cleaning , spray and dip.

Each evening I've looked him over and found the occasional tick but I passed it off as just passing bastards. Yesterday I put poison all over the yard, waiting till the neighbors were no where to be seen. (Not everyone is a fan of poisoning the environment. Trust me, neither am I, but if pressed with the reality of tick, I'll choose to grow gills and glow at night.)

So today as I looked over the pug, I noted a few more ticks. Disgusted, I continued my search. Dear God in heaven WHAT IS THAT?! A huge beetle like insect clung to the pug's coat. I pulled it off and dropped it in a small jar I found. I looked it over and wondered what new hell had found us. Sure enough, there were 3 more of these repulsive monstrosities, all of which I put in the jar.

Then I heard the tell-tale jingle of Officer's Friendly's dogs' collars. He was out in front of the house exercising them. I wondered, did he have a tick problem? Would he know what these demons were? Which would I prefer, embarrassing myself asking the vet what they were or Officer Friendly? Truth be told, I wanted neither.

I had to leave for lunch so rather than hide inside till the coast was clear as I usually do when Officer Friendly is around, I walked outside with my purse and the jar. He walked quickly towards his home. I gritted my teeth. I took a deep breathe and called his name. He turned and I literally had to talk myself into walking down my stairs and towards him.

"Are you having problems with ticks on your dogs?"

He claimed he did not, and asked if I was. I admitted it was pretty bad and then said I just found these as well and held up the jar.

"Those are ticks." He looked at me as though I were asking him to identify a common household fly.

"But they are huge..." I incredulously start. And then I realize. These ticks are full of blood. How stupid am I? Did I think they stay one size? Now thoroughly embarrassed I pull the jar away and start walking towards my car. To his credit Officer Friendly continues the conversation talking about the problems past tenants have had in my home. But I am now done with Officer Friendly. Once again, I am despising myself for attempting to interact with him, and in the process thoroughly humiliating myself. In addition, I'm further infuriated he remembers the names and histories of past tenants which tells me he bothered to have some sort of interaction with these people. This only serves to make me feel like a real leper. Am I the only one he so completely rudely rebuffs?

One of his beautiful German Shepherds runs towards me with a football in his mouth. Momentarily forgetting Officer Friendly, I smile at the dog and move to pet him.

"She doesn't want to play catch with you." He barks at the dog. He's wrong, I do want to play catch with his dog. What I don't want to do is stand here talking to him feeling like a complete and utter loser.